


Cross The Line

by LeandraLocke, saturnmeetsmercury (jarofhearts)



Series: Where We Want To Be [1]
Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-23 06:50:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2538263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeandraLocke/pseuds/LeandraLocke, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarofhearts/pseuds/saturnmeetsmercury
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crossing the line from friends and co-stars to friends with benefits seemed like a really great idea to both of them. Crossing that line even further, though, may have been the stupidest thing Chris has ever done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> LeandraLocke: After my bygone Pinto days, I had actually thought I'd never write RPS again, yet here I am, writing as Chris with my co-author saturnmeetsmercury as my Sebastian, and even though I'm probably going to hell for this I regret nothing :D  
> I should mention - and this I can say in her name as well - that, of course, none of this is true. We do not claim to know these actors or any of the other characters mentioned in this purely fictional and rather naughty figment of our imagination. But... pssst, it's her imagination that's the naughtiest anyway ;)
> 
> saturnmeetsmercury: Can't (and don't want to :D) argue with that. I'm only going to add a big Thank You to our beta reader [whatthebodygraspsnot](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatTheBodyGraspsNot/pseuds/WhatTheBodyGraspsNot), especially for the wonderful comments on the sidelines! All this was very unexpected, but a remarkably fun thing to write. And there isn't enough Evanstan in the world as it is. So we hope you enjoy!

“Man, this movie really… bites.”

Chris nearly choked around the neck of the beer bottle he had just taken a sip from. He looked from Ian Ziering and Tara Reid’s unauthentically horror-stricken faces to Sebastian’s convincingly even one and let out a small cough.

“Did you just…” The question required no answer, and Chris found himself laughing wholeheartedly a second later, throwing his head back in amusement. Sadly, the movie they had picked to watch on Netflix hadn’t brought the same result so far.

Sebastian merely grinned, raising his own bottle to his lips for an unhurried sip. He gave Chris a glance out of the corner of his eye and slid down a little further until he was sprawled more comfortably across his corner of the couch with the footstool section, looking way too relaxed.

“Seriously though,” Sebastian added eventually, gesturing vaguely towards the screen with his free hand. “As if the effects weren’t bad enough already.”

Chris let out a snort at that before he took another drink from his bottle.

“Seriously,” he agreed and then, as one of the dozen or more sharks leapt from the much too shallow water on the highway, pointed an arm at the screen. “Oh come on! That makes even less sense than Sand Sharks. At least that one didn’t take itself so fucking seriously.”

“You watched _Sand Sharks_?!” Sebastian half huffed, somewhere between amusement and incredulity, and then laughed. “That why you wanted to see this?”

“Sand Sharks wasn’t that bad,” he offered defensively. “It was more a parody of the entire genre, if anything. Full of Jaws quotes and nods to all those other shark movies.” Chris wasn’t a huge fan of the genre in particular, but then again almost everyone occasionally enjoyed those silly monster flicks, right?

Sebastian hummed in reply, still looking entirely too amused. He was watching Chris now, not even pretending not to, drinking from his beer bottle again. Without meaning to or knowing where it had come from - or maybe he did - Chris felt his face heat up just a notch. He blamed the beer, though, even if they both only were on their second bottle, having finished their first in the kitchen earlier while they had been catching up and discussing what they could watch tonight.

They hadn’t seen each other in quite some time. Not since the few weeks after their last official promo gig when both Sebastian and Chris had been in LA at the same time, which didn’t happen too often these days. It was something Chris regretted more than he cared to admit. However, they had stayed in touch regularly during that time, texting when they couldn’t find the time to talk ; and what Chris failed to admit either was how he had impatiently stared at his phone every time awaiting a response. Just as he had done yesterday when they had agreed to spend the evening together. He also wouldn’t admit how he had felt those less than twenty-four hours pass much too slow, but what could he say? Sebastian had, over time, become a very important person to him. And, it wasn’t always easy maintaining friendships over a long distance during most of the year. Least of all in this business, where everything seemed a bit more short-lived and unreal.

Eventually, Sebastian turned his gaze back to the TV, angling his left knee up against the armrest. “You know what we could do instead of this?” he said, nodding slightly towards the movie.

“What?” Chris asked, desperate at this point for anything to save him from continuing to watch this horrible, horrible movie.

Sebastian simply tipped his head to the side. “Fuck.”

In hindsight, it was both utterly comical and a bit ridiculous that, for the second time that night, Chris nearly got beer down the wrong pipe, setting the bottle down on the table with too much force.  He had expected anything but that. Given their recent history - that had started somewhere with a very drunken, very intimate incident after the wrap party of The First Avenger and had continued with more of the same and even _more_ intimate encounters years later when they had met again - he should not have been surprised.

After a few seconds of silence, Sebastian glanced over at him, his eyebrows crooked up a little. “Or is that strictly Marvel business?”

It took Chris several seconds to get what Sebastian was implying, and to add to his already mildly embarrassing reaction, he felt even more stupid and awkward.

“No,” he finally replied. “I mean… no. No.”

_Smooth, Evans._

Sebastian’s eyebrows rose a little higher, just like the corners of his lips that curled into a small grin. “No?”

Finally, Chris found a trace of his dignity again and managed to give Sebastian a vaguely amused, yet stern, glare. “No,” he repeated, firmly this time, and then gave his friend a little shrug. “Definitely a better idea than watching Sharknado.” A so, _so_ much better one. But Chris wasn’t going to mention that. Or even think of how the thought made his heartbeat speed up already and his cheeks tingle with the strain of not grinning like an idiot.

“Good,” was all the reply he got from Sebastian before he took another swig of his beer, and then leaned forward to place it on the coffee table, disregarding its only half empty state. And then he shifted, got his knees under him, and simply slid onto Chris’ lap to straddle him and tilt his head down for a kiss.

The heat that he had felt on his face just moments ago seemed to shoot right through his entire body then, and Chris found himself incapable of fully reciprocating the kiss for a few seconds as he was adjusting to the feeling that was much more overwhelming than it should be.

He was far from inexperienced - _very_ far, in fact - and casual arrangements, friends with benefits as you called them, had been something he’d had before. Just never with another guy, but that alone shouldn’t make the difference, should it? Somehow, though - despite this also being far from their first time kissing, making out and having sex - it almost felt a bit like it. As if all the synapses in his brain and all the nerves on his skin had forgotten Sebastian and what his body had felt like against his, learning the sensation anew. And Chris had no idea, not a single one, as to why that was. Why he felt a bit like a teenager again, making out with someone spectacularly attractive for the first time.

All he knew, then, was that a small sigh escaped him involuntarily as he let his lips be parted and finally kissed Sebastian back, and that this heat and tingling ran straight to his dick, making him hard within seconds in a way that he hadn’t experienced since his teen years either.

His more active participation didn’t go unnoticed. A content sound rumbled in Sebastian’s throat for a moment, and he raised his hands to brush up Chris’ neck and bury in his hair while his hips rolled down, fitting them closer together, and Chris couldn’t help another, almost gasped sigh coming over his lips that forced him to break the close contact for a small second. Just for him to dive back in and pull Sebastian even closer against him with one hand on the small of his back and the other around his shoulder.

In his life, Chris had known a few pretty amazing kissers, but Sebastian was definitely ranking high up there with them or - as he thought when Sebastian’s tongue slid across his bottom lip and his teeth grazed the sensitive skin a moment later, making him breathless already - on the very top of that list.

But this, now, was kind of new as well. So far, those five times - six, counting the first drunken making out - had been either bubbly and intoxicated, or rushed and rough. Some of those times, they had behaved like ridiculous teenagers who’d been unable to take anything they were doing seriously and burst into fits of laughter every so often. And during the other times, it had been many things - bottled-up horniness, too much adrenaline from fight scenes, or having sat through way too many interviews in one day - that drove them to, quite literally, want to fuck that out of their system. Back then, they hadn’t really taken too much time kissing, and though there had been a _lot_ of that during their first encounter of this kind, it was still, regretfully, somewhat blurry in Chris’ memory.

Sebastian was biting down on Chris’ lower lip now, sucking on it for a moment before pulling away just enough for a quick breath before kissing him again, seemingly unable to keep his hands still. One had taken to sliding down Chris’ upper arm, the other was brushing over hischin, fingertips taking in the texture of the short beard, following it along the line of his jaw.

Chris was so torn between wanting to enjoy these amazing kisses and touches for as long as possible and getting out of their clothes as quickly as they could; he was almost painfully hard by now, but his chest also stretched and tensed with a sensation rather - if not completely - new to him in regards of Sebastian, too. He couldn’t quite place what that meant, either.

Sliding back and to the side onto the couch, he pulled Sebastian with him, both of them barely breaking the kisses until the other man was straddling his hips, and Chris reached for his still amazingly firm ass - even after months of not working out nearly as hard as either of them had before and during filming The Winter Soldier. He squeezed it, hard, through the fabric of Sebastian’s jeans, pushing both of them together more closely and - fuck - feeling how hard Sebastian was as well.

It really was time to finally get out of these clothes.

It was a sentiment they both seemed to share, as even the moment Chris pushed their hips together and swallowed a soft moan from the other man in their kiss, Sebastian’s hand went down and under the hem of his shirt, sliding it up his skin as far as the fabric allowed, and then quickly joined by his other hand to tug on it impatiently.

Chris, at the same time, tried to push up Sebastian’s t-shirt and somehow pull it over his head, but it all ended in a tangle of limbs and fabric that forced them to break their kisses after all, a soft laugh coming over his lips as he looked up at the smirk on Sebastian’s.

“Wait. Or we’ll roll onto the coffee table and this’ll have an ugly end,” he said, trying to sit up, and Sebastian slid back just enough on his lap to give him enough space to do so.

“Did you ever break anything during sex?” he wanted to know, finishing getting his rumpled shirt over his head.

Chris had barely enough breath to laugh, only letting out a raspy chuckle as he threw his own t-shirt onto the floor. “A bed, once, actually. But no thanks to us being especially passionate or anything. It was just a really cheap, old bed,” he said, having to smile at the memory of his 19-year-old self, terrified as his girlfriend at the time about how she was going to explain that disaster to her parents once they got home.

He didn’t dwell on that thought for too long though, his eyes drawn to Sebastian’s naked chest, and he lifted a hand to the front of his shoulder, palm flat against the warm skin, feeling as well as hearing how Sebastian was laughing quietly. He was reaching down between his thighs, fingers starting to undo Chris’ button and fly.

“Think your furniture is a little more sturdy these days?”

In lieu of an answer, Chris rocked his hips up and down on the couch (not minding the friction the movement caused either), and, after having proven that his couch neither shook nor creaked, gave Sebastian a small shrug. “I wouldn’t mind taking this to the bedroom, either,” he said, leaning up and pulling Sebastian’s face closer to his with one hand at the back of his neck. “Gotta go there for lube and condoms anyway.”

“Sounds good,” Sebastian smiled, voice low and pleasant, and let himself be drawn further down for another kiss. Simultaneously his fingers tugged on the front of Chris’ jeans where button and fly had come undone to reveal the black fabric underneath, and just a moment later Chris felt the flat of a hand on his abdomen before it slid under the hem of his boxer briefs.

He let out a rather strangled, whimpering sort of sound that he wished he’d been able to let come out in a more dignified manner, and any plan to move to a different room was momentarily forgotten. Sinking back down and pulling Sebastian with him, he deepened the kiss again, one hand roaming around Sebastian’s back and to his front, thumb finding a hardened nipple, playing with it and the few soft hairs around. Same as the last time when filming for The Winter Soldier had been over, he found that he quite preferred this feeling to that of having his fingertips slide over completely smooth, hairless skin. Not that that was a general rule for him - all _general rules_ , so far, had been limited to women anyway - but on Sebastian, it was nice. Although he was getting more impatient with every passing second - with every nip of his teeth and touch of their tongues, and even more so with every movement of Sebastian’s hand in his underpants - he also really wanted to draw out these moments of a more gentle intimacy, really savour all of it, because who knew when they’d be doing this next. Or if at all.

When it finally felt like even his undone jeans were way too tight to still be comfortable, Sebastian pulled his hand out, broke the kiss and sat up again. His breathing was visibly faster, and there was a light flush on his skin as he licked his lips and glanced down to Chris, a grin widening on his face.

“Come on then,” Sebastian said as he climbed off Chris’ lap and held out a hand for him to take.

Only halfway managing to suppress a pout, Chris got up, staggering somewhat and nearly bumping his shin against the coffee table before he found Sebastian’s hand. And despite their intentions to move to the bedroom - which was all the way through the spacious living area and behind a small hallway, making him wonder why he had ever needed to buy such a fucking huge house - he couldn’t help pulling himself up to Sebastian. One hand still intertwined with his, the other at the small of his back and purposefully sliding underneath the waistband of his jeans, he brought their lips together again, feeling Sebastian’s, moist and slightly swollen under his, open pliantly.

“Fuck,” Chris let out breathlessly as he finally managed to detach himself from that wonderful mouth. Only to be able to look at it now, reddened and so _fucking_ gorgeous. Demanding to be kissed again, at least for a few, short seconds, he told himself.

At this rate, they’d probably never reach the bedroom.

There was a clearly amused sound coming from Sebastian, even though he indulged Chris for a few moments longer, hands brushing over his upper arms as they kissed. But again it was him who pulled away, lips red, eyes dark. “Yeah, that was the plan,” he said and pushed Chris back in direction of the hall.

Surprisingly, they did make it to the bedroom without any further interruptions, after all. Heading straight towards his large bed, Chris put both hands on either side of Sebastian’s face, bringing their lips together again. This time, though, the kisses were soft and brief, interrupted long enough for Chris to look into Sebastian’s half-lidded eyes as he gently pushed him back to sit on the mattress. He climbed the bed, too, one knee between Sebastian’s thighs, the other next to him, leaning down for kiss after kiss while his hands caressed shoulders, back and chest.

His reward was an appreciative sound in the depth of Sebastian’s throat, and he slid forward enough to fit his crotch against Chris’ thigh, making him gasp into the kiss. Chris could feel a small shudder go through Sebastian’s whole body, but not enough to stop him from continuing their kiss. It rather became more hungry after that, more demanding, fingertips digging into Chris’ hip just above the waistline of his jeans, and finally - no matter how much he enjoyed the kissing - he couldn’t take it any longer.

Standing back up for a very short moment, Chris pushed his jeans down, kicking them off along with his socks only to lean forward and do the same with Sebastian’s clothing in a swift, nearly hasty movement. Then he was above him again, pushing him back into the pillows, their bodies - naked save for their underpants - touching completely. With one hand he fumbled for the nightstand, switching on the reading lamp because there was only so much light streaming in from the hall, and opening the first drawer to toss the bottle of lube and a condom onto the mattress next to them.

Sebastian pulled him closer by opening up just enough space between his legs for Chris to slip between, a rough growl coming over his lips as he brought their crotches together. His hands slid down Chris’ back until they had found his ass, fingertips digging in and pushing them even further together, making Sebastian bite down on Chris’ lower lip. And then, too suddenly for Chris to be able to really keep up for a moment, he pushed against him and rolled them over until they were back where they had started, with Chris on his back and Sebastian straddling his waist.

A breathless chuckle escaped Chris then, and he really couldn’t say that he had anything to complain about. Leaning up for another, rather short kiss, he let his head sink onto the pillow, one hand sliding down Sebastian’s chest, further over his abs and then to the front of his dark blue boxer briefs, palming the hard bulge in them. He wondered for a moment though, why he hadn’t simply gotten rid of that item of clothing, too.

His touch let Sebastian’s eyes flutter shut, and he arched his neck back, giving Chris the best view of his exposed throat and the way it worked when he swallowed.

“Yes, come on,” Sebastian murmured encouragingly, lightly pushing his hips into the touch for more of it.

There was no way around it; to get both his own and Sebastian’s underpants off, they had to change their position again, and it once more ended in a bit of a tangle, both men laughing until they were finally completely naked, lying on the bed on their sides now, facing each other.

It was probably the gentlest of touches they had ever shared when Chris laid his hand on Sebastian’s neck, thumb softly drawing circles over his skin, before he leaned forward and kissed those gorgeous, delicious, red lips again - slow, so slow, barely brushing against each other here, the tip of a tongue there, teasing, sliding.

It was rather astounding that, despite his nearly painful arousal, Chris found the patience for it, and even more so that Sebastian was still answering the kiss with the same gentleness. At least he did for another few moments before his arousal seemed get the better of him. His hands roamed over Chris’ chest, following the lines of his torso down to his hips that he grabbed and pushed Chris onto his back again with the touch. Only a moment later his lips had attached themselves to Chris’ neck and his hand went back to his erection, now without the restraints of underwear and jeans, and he took full advantage of it.

A hoarse groan was caught by Sebastian’s lips, and Chris found himself automatically rutting against the hand that was wrapped around his cock. They could probably have continued like this a bit longer, but especially considering that they had taken their sweet time with foreplay already, Chris realised he was not going to last very long if he allowed those amazing fingers to pump up and down his dick for even just half a minute longer.

“Stop,” he barely got out, the word coming over his lips in a stutter as he brought one hand to Sebastian’s to still the movement. “Won’t do you any good if you make me come now,” he said, having gotten a bit of his cool back and trying to make it sound like more of a joke than being plainly serious. Which he was. “I should take care of you for a bit instead.”

Sebastian relented, but not without a low laugh that ghosted over Chris’ chest. He pressed another kiss there and wrapped his fingers around Chris’ wrist instead, bringing up their arms until he could press them lightly into the pillow, and he pushed himself up and knelt over Chris’ lap again, knees on either side of his hips before letting go.

“Go right ahead.”

Chris had to take a deep breath then, biting the inside of his bottom lip as his gaze took in the naked body in front of him, over his nicely toned chest all the way down to his gorgeous dick, standing up against his belly from a nest of dark, neatly trimmed hair, the head shiny and moist, oozing precome already.

He brought his hand up and wrapped his fist gently around his length, thumb teasingly circling around the head. It made Sebastian’s hips twitch forward involuntarily, accompanied by a soft, rough sound. He bit his lip and then let his upper body sink forward until his forehead was resting against Chris’ left shoulder, hand coming up to brace himself on the right. And then he just moved his hips into Chris’ touch, slow and deliberate now.

The grasp of his hand became a little tighter, just the right amount of pressure that Chris himself liked, too, and he took up a slightly faster rhythm. He knew by now that he could work him like that for a while; Sebastian had always had more self-restraint than he, probably. Or maybe it was because he needed a higher level of arousal, having to adjust to a different situation as soon as Chris would start fucking him.

And God, he could hardly wait to do that.

Continuing the movements of his hand, he reached for the lube with the other, but he had to let go of him eventually to open the cap and squirt a generous amount onto his fingers.

“Okay?” he asked as he brought his hand around Sebastian’s ass, index finger brushing softly against the tight ring of muscle.

“Yep,” Sebastian simply answered, and Chris felt him breathe calmly against his shoulder. “Done that before, you know I’m good.”

He let out a small chuckle in return but wasn’t going to apologise for asking. He couldn’t quite help the brief question from stirring whether Sebastian had - and a lot of it pointed to it - been with men before. There was an odd feeling sitting in the midst of his chest all of the sudden that he neither could nor wanted to pinpoint, and he pushed it aside, instead placing a soft kiss onto Sebastian’s hair before he let his finger slowly, gently slide past the tight muscle.

Sebastian didn’t seem uncomfortable even for a moment. He stretched out on top of Chris, weight leaned forward so that he could take it off his knees and spread them instead, both hands on Chris’ shoulders, lips trailing up the side of his neck.

“C’mon, Chris…”

“Man, aren’t you impatient?” he replied in slight amusement. “You don’t want me to fuck you dry, do you?”

There was a soft chortle of amusement against his neck. “No one said that. But yeah, damn right I am.”

“I can tell,” Chris replied, feeling Sebastian push his ass downwards against his one finger, and he had to bite his bottom lip again, both amused and so fucking turned on right now.

He added a second finger, finding it slide in with barely more resistance than the first, and he angled the two digits forward, pushing against what he hoped to be the right spot as he began to thrust his fingers in and out in a moderate rhythm, earning him a half surprised, definitely aroused sound.

“Fuck… yes,” Sebastian was arching his back to push more effectively against his hand, humming appreciatively at the way Chris thrust his fingers in steadily now.

And fuck, it felt utterly amazing already, because Chris knew that, a few minutes from now, he’d feel those tight muscles that were slowly relaxing now, bit by bit, around his cock and not his fingers. The thought sent a feeling like a jolt of electricity straight to his balls, and his hips jerked upward almost on their own accord. He _really_ didn’t want to drag this out for very much longer.

“Ready for more?” he asked, third finger just at the outer edge of his hole, not caring about any impatiently admonishing glares he might receive. What he got instead, though, was a grin as Sebastian raised his head to look at him.

“Five minutes ago,” he teased and took Chris’ jaw to press another kiss to his lips.

“Shut up,” Chris mumbled against Sebastian’s lips, a smile lingering on them after the kiss. “You should rather be thanking me for being so considerate,” he said with lighthearted banter. “Or you’d have problems walking once I’m done with you.” It sounded way dirtier than intended, but it sent a full-body shudder through Sebastian, made him groan unrestrainedly.

“Jesus… fuck. You better be serious about that,” he ground out, pressing his hips against Chris’ abdomen and panting unsteadily as the third finger slid in along the other two.

The thing was, while the imagery seemed more than just fantastic - and it made Chris so hard that he thought he’d burst from the sheer tension of it if he didn’t soon get a bit more than the slight friction of his own hand and Sebastian’s right ass cheek bumping against his cock - he wasn't even so sure he wanted precisely that. Hard and dirty and fast, a demonstration of power, of sorts. When he looked up into Sebastian’s face, lips parted in arousal, eyes dark - when they were open at all - he just wanted more of that, more of those moans and sighs of delight; wanted to know he was making him feel so, so good and that, maybe, nobody else did like that. He wanted to kiss him, bury his face in the crook of his neck, smell his fresh sweat and feel himself get lost in all of it.

And, fuck, when had he ever started to feel that way?

He had no time to contemplate that question, because just then Sebastian moaned, a sound that seemed to go through his whole body, and shook his head.

“Okay, Chris, fuck… that’s it, I’m so past ready it’s not even funny anymore,” he got out and pulled back a little to slide off Chris’ lap and perch on his thighs instead.

And Chris let him, careful to let his fingers slide out slowly before he cleaned them on a Kleenex he got from the nightstand. “Good,” he said, and, not able to resist the urge to, pulled Sebastian down for another kiss with his clean hand while the other searched for the condom on the surface of the bed. “Wanna put that on me?” he asked, feeling a small smirk tug up the corner of his mouth.

Sebastian shot him a look and snatched the condom out of his hands, ripping the package open with visible impatience and flinging it carelessly to the side when he had what was inside. It took him mere seconds to roll the condom on, obviously not in the mood to tease him about that in any way.

“Done being lazy now?” he smirked and flicked at Chris’ erection lightly.

Another small laugh escaped Chris, and that was something else he enjoyed between them: even during their more intense, quick and almost fleeting encounters, there had always been laughter and banter between them, both of which seemed to happen so naturally that Chris sometimes had the feeling they’d known each other for much longer than they did.

“Hm, yeah… not yet,” he replied eventually and placed both hands on Sebastian’s hips, urging him closer and up until he was kneeling right above him. “I kinda like watching you do the work, you know?” he grinned, and Sebastian huffed and rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth were twitching.

“Fine. As long as you remember your promise,” he returned and settled over Chris’ lap, reaching around to hold his erection in place so he could lower himself onto it. It took a moment before his muscles opened up around the head of Chris’ cock, and he took a deep, deliberate breath, visibly relaxing himself before he sank down further.

And… God, Chris had to take a deep breath himself, pressing his eyes shut and biting his lip so he wouldn’t fucking _whimper_ at how amazingly tight Sebastian felt around him.

“Shit… God, you’re so…” He didn’t even really know _what_ Sebastian was, just that he needed to force his eyes back open, not wanting to miss a second of how he’d look straddling his hips and having sunk down onto his cock completely now. And Sebastian didn’t move for the moment, visibly just getting used to the feeling, before a smile spread on his lips and he hummed softly in agreement.

"This..." he started eventually, and the sentence ended in a slightly exhilarated sounding laugh, "feels _so good_..."

“God, yes,” Chris just sighed out, and he had to keep his hips from thrusting up, finding it so hard to resist. Instead, he focused on the movement of his hands, fingertips gently caressing the sides of Sebastian’s arms, then down to his thighs, palms resting on them with just the tiniest of reassuring movements.

Sebastian just smiled, and then started to move, first just lifting himself almost all the way up on Chris' cock, and then let himself slide back down again, savouring and deliberate. His hand came to rest on Chris' chest as he repeated the movement a couple of times, and then started rolling his hips, lower lip caught between his teeth.

He looked so amazing like that, so fucking _beautiful_ , and Chris didn’t quite know where to put his hands, what to touch first, whether to lean up to kiss those lips again or stay as he was and watch. And for a few minutes he just followed those momentary impulses, craning his neck and pulling Sebastian down, letting his fingers run over chest and abs and thighs before the need to speed up the pace of their movements became stronger than that. He leaned back again, hands on Sebastian’s hips to hold him in place as he began to fuck into him, breath speeding up and coming out as a small gasp here and there as he thrust fully into that tight ass, buried to the hilt.

Sebastian's eyes had fallen shut by now, his body leaned forward just a little and braced with both hands on Chris' chest for leverage, not even really trying to move down against him while the thrusts came fast like this. They were wringing small sounds from him, made his hands curl against Chris' skin, but as soon as Chris slowed down, he took over, gasping in a few breaths to even them out and rolling his hips down into Chris' lap again.

They went on like this for minutes and minutes, alternating between those slower movements and harder thrusts, and despite their earlier impatience - and Chris having thought he’d combust within a few seconds, pathetically - it was fantastic that way. He did not feel the need to rush through it, though a part of him kept in mind what Sebastian had said earlier, and eventually, after Sebastian had leaned down again for an open-mouthed kiss, breathing hoarsely into it, Chris felt his impatience return and win over.

“On your back?” he said softly, hands gently wrapped around Sebastian’s lower arms, halting both their movements.

"Don't ask, just do," the other man answered, breathless yet grinning, nestling himself tightly into Chris' lap now that their movements had ceased. His fingers brushed over Chris' jaw again before he tilted his head to press a kiss to his lips, muscles tightening around his cock.

Chris had to take a deep breath, keep it in for a moment and bite his lower lip again as he let his forehead rest against Sebastian’s. And it _was_ starting to cost him some resolve to keep this going for a while longer, after all.

A small grin spread on his lips nevertheless. “So you really want me to do all the work from now on then?” he asked and, not waiting for a response, shrugged faintly before, one arm wrapped around Sebastian’s waist, he turned them around, still inside him.

"Oh, yes," Sebastian laughed as he shifted his legs to come around Chris' waist, looking relaxed and aroused, loose and even a bit intoxicated, though that couldn't have much to do with the beer from earlier. "Put those muscles of yours to use."

A soft laugh left him, and Chris brushed another soft kiss to Sebastian’s lips before he pushed himself up and, after all, slowly slid out of him.

“Lift your ass,” he instructed and, as Sebastian did so, shoved one of the pillows underneath, kneeling in front of him and pushing his knees apart, angled up towards Sebastian’s upper body. But before he entered him again, Chris let one hand run along the length of Sebastian’s cock in a few slow strokes, bringing out a content low moan that sounded so comfortable it could have been half a sigh, too.

Sebastian let his head fall back onto the pillow and stretched his arms up, fingers scraping over the headboard before he relaxed again and just left them lying there, framing his head, and he wriggled his hips.

"Come on, come back."

“You are really the most impatient person I ever met, you know that?” Chris asked, amused and maybe also a tiny bit mischievous right now because he let his hand repeat its movement, a bit slower, a bit softer this time, feeling a grin spread on his lips as Sebastian simply shrugged, the corners of his mouth twitching as he watched him from hooded eyes.

Finally, though, he didn’t want to wait any longer, either, and he positioned himself properly, weight supported on one hand while the other guided his dick back to Sebastian’s ass. With a slow and deliberate thrust he pushed back in, this time met with no resistance at all.

Sebastian sighed and tilted his hips up to meet him, legs sliding back around Chris' body. "By the way, if you remember, I've been way more impatient than this before."

How could he forget. Especially the night when they had all but ripped their clothes off each other in Chris’ hotel room after having filmed an intense fight scene - full of adrenaline and maybe, just the tiniest bit in character. It was one of the most memorable times for him, at least within recent years, and the memory alone made him let his hips snap forward in a few deep, fast thrusts. “My point exactly,” he replied then, just briefly breaking the rhythm before picking it up again, a bit slower but the thrusts nonetheless deep as he looked down at Sebastian with a glance he hoped read ‘this is just the beginning’.

It looked as if Sebastian had wanted to say something to that, but their gazes caught and he remained silent, lips parted and fingers curling into the pillow. His breaths were deep and very visible now, eyes dark in anticipation, and he licked his lips slowly but didn’t take his gaze off Chris even for a moment.

And fuck, that look - relishing and… fucking _sultry_ \- did it for him almost more than the hard muscles tightening around his cock at the end of every harder and faster thrust. His own breathing sped up again, soon coming out as panting groans with every forward move of his hips, and Chris felt heat rise up to his chest and face, and a cool tingling down his spine.

“God, you feel so good,” he all but sighed, and his thrusts must have found a perfect angle now because Sebastian was moaning, and he couldn’t hold his gaze anymore, back arching and muscles tight, and one hand was bracing against the headboard so that the thrusts wouldn’t push him further up. When his eyes fell shut, his expression looked somewhere between pained and blissed, and he blindly reached down to wrap a hand around his erection, a litany of panted ‘fuck’s falling from his lips.

No matter how utterly hot that looked, too, Chris shifted his weight onto one arm, his free hand pushing Sebastian’s away to take over that part, fist closed tight around his cock and barely having to move since the thrusts of his hips took care of that already.

There was nothing new to that feeling, of course, but somehow, having Sebastian’s dick in his hand, heavy and hard, was something he could hardly get enough of either. He just thought that - damn - he should have sucked him off before, remembering how _that_ had felt the first and so far only time he’d done it. If only there was a way to do everything and all he wanted at once…

He barely even thought about it when he brought his thumb - slick with Sebastian’s precome - to his mouth and licked it.

The muscles around him convulsed immediately, helplessly, and Sebastian turned his head to bury his face against his arm. “ _Fuck…_ Chris…”

He sounded absolutely wrecked.

And God, his chest both clenched and widened with a feeling he could find no description for - a mix of arousal and pride and joy and whatever else there was. He didn’t want it to stop, but his body betrayed him, his thrusts becoming more frantic with every passing second, heart beating fast and breathing having become ragged. He knew he was close, so fucking close that he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from coming before Sebastian did. His hand went back to Sebastian’s cock, pumping up and down, not even in the same rhythm anymore as him fucking into that welcoming body.

“You close?” he asked, barely getting the words out as he felt the tension in his lower body get stronger and stronger.

At least he didn’t have to wait long for an answer. Sebastian had pressed his head back into the pillow, the first ‘yes’ coming immediately. His body felt tense like a bowstring just before being released, quivering, heels digging into the backs of Chris’ thighs. “Yes yes fuck yes…”

When Chris felt the cock in his hand twitch and the first warm moisture of release between his fingers, it was all it took to pull him under as well. The tremor in the clenching muscles around him did the rest, and Chris felt himself go rigid save for his hips still moving weakly and erratically on their own impulse as he let out a low, drawn out moan. His left arm trembled, and he was unable to support his weight only with it any longer, unable as well to do anything but sink forward, _collapse_ , as he breathed and breathed through his intense orgasm.

Distantly he could still feel Sebastian twitch under him, breath ragged and hitching, until he eventually seemed to relax slowly. A hand came down on the back of Chris’ shoulder, just resting there, and finally all the tension seemed to have bled out of him, leaving him boneless and flushed. A thin sheen of sweat was on his face, and Chris brought his lips to Sebastian’s temple, kissing him softly, barely having any energy left for more than brushing his lips gently against his skin. Breathing him in. Feeling the heat of his body beneath him. He himself exhausted but relaxed, sated with blissful afterglow.

“I love you.”

The words had come out without him realising, and for a few, seemingly endless moments, Chris’ hazy mind did not fully catch on to what he had just said. When it did, he all but froze and barely dared lift his head.

Sebastian was staring at him. And it wasn’t the good kind in his expression. There was shock, and it looked completely out of place on his face along the flushed cheeks and red-kissed lips.

Chris had no idea what to say, what to do. Everything he’d just felt, it all melted into the background, leaving only the thought of _oh shit oh shit oh shit._ His heart throbbing in his chest - and not in a good way either - he couldn’t even form a conscious thought of _why_ exactly this was so epically bad. Maybe it was that tiny part of him that only now started to come to the surface that made him hope, for just a split-second, it was all right, reciprocated. But that part died down immediately when nothing of the sort was either to be seen in Sebastian’s stunned gaze nor heard from his lips.

“Shit,” was all Chris finally got out, and he realised that he probably should get off of Sebastian already, careful not to lose the condom.

Sebastian let him withdraw without even looking like he wanted to try holding him back, his gaze having slid away from Chris to the side. He curled away immediately, dragging his legs over the side of the bed to sit, his back to Chris.

“I, um…” _Didn’t mean it?_ Because he had. Chris realised that now, consciously for the first time and with such drastic awareness that he almost felt like smacking his forehead for not having seen it coming. He’d been so stupid, not noticing how his heart had warmed up every time he had received a text from Sebastian, how any joke - stupid or not - had made a smile linger on his face for longer than was normal among just friends. How this all had felt just now and even the past time or two (or more?). Not just experimenting, relieving stress, friends with benefits or anything of the sort.

He should have noticed. Should have noticed when it stopped being just that and turned into something much more for him. Should have ended it before it could have come that far.

“Um…” he tried again, not coming up with anything useful to say, and instead busied himself with removing the condom, putting it on a Kleenex on the nightstand and then searching for his underpants with shaky hands, while Sebastian was still sitting there with his back turned and head lowered.

He didn’t say anything either, but after another moment Chris heard him take a breath just before he rose to his feet.

“Bathroom,” Sebastian muttered and only picked up his underwear as he made his way out of the room, without looking back.

In hindsight, it was surprising to Chris how he was able to keep his calm in the long moments while Sebastian was inside the adjacent master bathroom, and he sat on the bed in his underpants and a t-shirt he’d taken from the armchair by the window. But for those long moments, his mind went nearly blank, too tired and exhausted to even _try_ to think of anything productive - an explanation, an apology, a positive outlook.

Eventually the door did open again and Sebastian stepped back out, clad in his boxer briefs now. His gaze brushed past Chris, looking at him without really looking at him, and he seemed beyond awkward as he pulled on his jeans and socks.

“I’m… I’ll go home,” he muttered eventually, gaze flickering towards Chris for just a moment.

Chris wanted to say something, to stop him and suggest they’d talk about it. Take it back if that was what it took for them to just continue as usual. As friends.

But he couldn’t, the odd paralysis that had started to settle in a few moments ago now spreading through his entire body, making his skin crawl. A cold shiver ran down his spine, and he barely kept himself from letting his breath speed up - the cause for it in stark, unpleasant contrast to why both heartbeat and breath had gone faster just minutes ago. The only thing he found himself capable of was to nod feebly, and then - because it seemed so wrong to not even say one single word, after immense struggle with himself - added, “Okay.”

Sebastian nodded and turned, walking silently towards the door leading to the hall. It was there in the doorway that he hesitated again, before finally glancing back over his shoulder, this time actually looking at Chris. But he didn’t say anything, didn’t even really look as though he _wanted_ to say anything. And after a few seconds his gaze broke away and he vanished down the hall.

For about half a minute there were low sounds that betrayed that he was gathering the rest of his clothes and his shoes, and then the soft click of the front door.

That moment was an odd combination of the most ironic kind of relief and the full blown panic and devastation he had been trying to hold back. Jumping to his feet, Chris ripped open the window, let the cool, fresh night air filter in and took deep breaths to fight the feeling of dizziness and nausea that had instantly replaced the earlier rigor.

It had been a long time since he last had a real panic attack, and the biggest part of him still tried to fight it from happening, was telling him that it was stupid, that it didn’t change anything and least of all did anyone any good if he gave in to it now. But as far as these things went, the smaller, irrational part of him won.

He tried to breathe again, holding on to the window sill as he pressed his eyes shut and mentally counted backwards from ten, but that was interrupted by a current inner mantra of _ridiculous, stupid, pathetic_ that, along with the overwhelming feeling of panic, he now had to fight as well.

Why, just _why_ did he have to be so stupid? Why did he have to ruin a good thing by putting his foot in his mouth? It was so typical of him, so pathetically idiotic. And he probably deserved this for it, deserved standing here, swallowing down the taste of bile with a dry throat as he gripped the wooden sill even harder to the point that he almost thought he’d crack either it or his fingers.

Eventually the powerful wave of dread and fear seemed to subside - he couldn’t tell after how many minutes. His breathing calmed somewhat as he focused on the feeling of the cool window pane against his forehead, the distant sounds of cars passing by far on the edge of the neighbourhood. And finally he dared to move, still finding his steps shaky as he made it not to the bed (he didn’t even want to look at it), but the armchair.

The worst of the anxiety attack was over, but what remained - and Chris could barely say whether it _would_ all look brighter in the morning or not - was the thought that he had really, _really_ messed up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chris and Sebastian have to deal with what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for the comments and kudos. We hope you'll enjoy the second chapter as well.

The next day after breakfast - a not nearly half-eaten bowl of some organic, protein-rich muesli he still had left from the time he’d had to work out like a loon for Age of Ultron that he should have thrown out - he nearly had a second panic attack. This time, he had been able to ward it off, breathe deeply and splash cold water in his face before it could surface, but it left him feeling exhausted above all else. All else being discouraged, among other things, and, even though nobody had been there to witness it, embarrassed.

He knew, of course, that there was nothing to be ashamed of; he’d been dealing with these episodes for almost all his adolescent and adult life and knew that stressful situations simply sometimes triggered them. But he’d gotten so much better at avoiding those situations and handling them before it could come to the worst - except for last night. That, in itself, felt like a giant set-back and didn’t do anything to lighten his mood.

It was in that moment - when he stood in the now clean kitchen at shortly past ten with no idea what to do - that Chris wished for nothing more than his mother being here instead of over 2,500 miles away. She’d know what to do, how to talk him through those stupid anxiety attacks, what to say to make everything look a little brighter even if all he’d do was curl up on the couch next to her, watch a silly movie together and not talk. Because right now, Chris had no idea if he even wanted to talk about all of this, still feeling awkward and stupid beyond anything.

He checked the time and wondered whether she’d be done with her usual Tuesday errands, and it took him another ten minutes or so of contemplation before he finally selected her number from his contacts and pressed call.

It took three rings before the line connected, and his mother’s voice sounded in his ear.

“Chris?”

“Hi Ma,” he greeted back, putting on a smile and trying to make it audible in his voice, torn between forgetting about the whole thing and just talking to her about this and that, and actually breaking out in tears.

He didn’t think he had done that much of a bad job with trying to sound light-hearted, and yet what she said, voice caring and worried, was, “Baby, what’s wrong?”

He let out a thin, pressed chuckle, elbow on the kitchen table where he had sat down and hand brought up to his forehead. It really shouldn’t surprise him though; she’d always had a sort of sixth sense for how her children were feeling.

“I… I think I messed up,” he got out, voice cracking somewhere around the last two words.

For a brief moment he could faintly hear her take a breath, knew how keenly she felt for her kids’ distress, but she spoke again almost immediately, her voice calming in his ears.

“Chris, baby, take a deep breath. Can you do that?”

And he did, having to smile a tiny bit despite the heavy feeling in his chest and the slight burning in his eyes he did not want to be feeling right now. He took a few more, and knowing that she was on the other end of the line already made him feel (if not really much better yet) at least not so alone.

“Good,” she eventually said, sounding like she had listened to him carefully. “Now. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

He let out another breath, half a sigh, really, but felt the weight in his chest lifted somewhat after that. “I don’t know,” he replied truthfully. “It’s…” Complicated, weird, awkward. He didn’t know which to pick.

She waited for a few more moments, but when he seemed unable to come up with anything else, she hummed lightly. “Work or heart?”

“Bit of both, actually,” he replied with a weak, sarcastic chuckle and then, because he had already gotten this far, “I’m in love with somebody and I don’t think I should be.”

“Oh,” she half sighed in understanding and then seemed to need a moment to think about what to say next. “Does she know?”

Of course his mother would assume it was a woman, how could she not? Chris had always dated girls and spoken about his interest in them from an early age. But still, it made Chris press his eyes shut for a moment, fighting against the tightness in his chest - and the additional awkwardness the following conversation would entail.

“Yeah,” he said then, simply ignoring any wrong pronouns and any thought of correcting them for the moment. “That’s the part where I messed up.” Instantly he felt a small wave of dread wash over him as a reminder of how he had felt last night, and that was so much worse than anything else. If only he could take back what he had said.

“I see,” his mom returned full of sympathy. “You said you _think_ you messed up. What does that mean?”

“That I didn’t want to say I’m sure I did?” He knew he should probably elaborate on the whole thing more, but right now even giving those short answers felt draining, and he almost wished he hadn’t started at all, had just asked her about her day and the neighbour’s dog and what TV shows she’d been watching, but… well, it was too late to retreat now.

His mom didn’t say anything for a moment, and then, almost as if she’d read his thoughts, offered, “We can talk about something else, if you’d prefer that.”

She knew him too well, and it drew another small laugh from him. “Yeah, I don’t know,” he started, trying to make up his mind. “Did you get a new hair cut?”

“Not new as in different,” she indulged him without question. “Just refreshing the old one. A bit more layered than last time. I’ll send you a picture later.”

“Great,” he said, not feeling quite as enthusiastic as he should, and he knew his mom was seeing right through him.

She gave one soft chuckle. “Or maybe you’ll find some time to come visit soon.”

“Yeah,” he said, and then, wondering why he hadn’t thought of that sooner as there were no important events or meetings on his schedule that he couldn’t delay, “Yeah. Actually, that’s a great idea. I could check for flights right now and be there tomorrow. I could maybe even catch one tonight and land in the morning.”

“Really?” She did sound mildly surprised now. “Nothing to… sort out before that?”

Chris had gotten up from the chair and was midway to the living room to find his iPad when her question made him falter in his steps. He leaned against the door frame to the living room instead, wondering whether there even _was_ anything to sort out - or most of all: how.

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Why not?” she simply asked.

“Because--” He let out a somewhat frustrated groan, pacing towards the couch and back again without purpose of direction. “I don’t know how. We… I said it, and the reaction wasn’t what I could’ve hoped for. No actually it was just that. Because it-- I knew it! I knew it, and I couldn’t keep my stupid mouth shut. And it’s not going to work out because--” He caught himself there just before adding because ‘he only wants us to be friends’.

“So…” Chris could just picture the light frown. “You knew it would be a bad idea to say it because you knew the feelings aren’t returned, but you said it anyway?”

“Yeah, stupid, I know,” he replied in defeat.

“I didn’t say that,” she admonished affectionately. “But I must admit you’re making me a bit curious about the whole story behind this. May I ask if I know her?”

The question had probably been inevitable; his mom had always been curious about the important things in his life - good or bad - though he also knew he could tell her he didn’t want to share that with her, and she’d not mention it again. The thing was, as weird and awkward as it was basically coming out to her as kind of bisexual after all - after a good thirty years of being pretty convinced he was into women only, save for a few curious teenage boy crushes - he kind of really didn’t want to keep this all to himself.

“Yeah, you do,” he replied, just briefly wondering whether he should leave it at that but then, quite easily in the last step, deciding against it. “And it’s not a ‘her’. It’s Sebastian.”

The brief silence that followed spoke of real surprise. “I have to admit I did not expect that,” she eventually replied, but the tone in her voice was still warm as always.

“Yeah, neither did I,” he simply said, stopping in his tracks, now in front of the bedroom. He hadn’t even noticed he’d started pacing again.

“And he…” his mom started, sounding as though she wasn’t quite sure which question of numerous ones she had on her mind to ask first, “isn’t attracted to men?”

Chris let out another laugh, louder than the first few but all the more bitter as well. He had to draw his eyes from the bed - changed last night before he’d gone to sleep - not wanting to be reminded of what had happened there.

“Oh Ma, it’s so much worse than that,” he said, slowly walking back towards the kitchen. “It’s… That’s not the problem because… we’ve, we’ve been having sex. For a while.” So that part was out, too. It felt less awkward than he would have thought.

There was another “ _Oh_ ,” but this time with even more feeling. “Oh dear… okay, I get it now,” she added, and it really sounded like several light bulbs had gone off in her head all at once.

He was so immensely grateful that his mom had always been one to accept him and all of his siblings just the way they were, never questioned things - unless they were, of course, questionable. Another parent might have made a big deal out of this revelation now, but not her.

“It was just… you know, just that,” he went on then. “Should never have been more. It was only, I dunno, experimenting. Messing around. Heck, I didn’t even know whether he was dating anyone most of the time. I mean, not when we were… but in between.”

They both knew that now, as it was all on the table, it was much easier for him to talk, and a lot of things simply bubbled out.

“Chris, baby?” she asked then, instead of immediately commenting on what he had said. “I’m going to be an over-curious mom now when I ask this, and you don’t have to answer. Was he the first?”

The pause that followed wasn’t because Chris didn’t feel comfortable telling her; it was because he had to swallow down the lump forming in his throat and press his eyes shut, taking two, three deep but quiet breaths through his nose. Hearing it like that and making himself aware of it hurt more than he had expected. “Yes.”

His mom sighed softly in pure sympathy, and he could tell that she really wanted to be there with him in that moment. “This might sound random right now, but I really love you. That said… did you talk to your brother about any of this?”

Chris wondered whether there was some kind of unspoken rule that you had to speak about gay… bisexual, whatever relationships or rather arrangements with your gay brother, but that had probably not been what she had meant. But he really could have, if not for the purpose of getting advice then at least to tell him that ‘look, you’re not the only _weirdo_ in the family any longer’. Not that anybody had ever given Scott that feeling, but.

“No. Scott’s got enough on his plate by himself. And… well what could he tell me, really? That I’m an idiot for falling for my friend-slash-costar I’m having a casual arrangement with?”

This time his mom clicked her tongue in light disapproval. “You’re not an idiot, stop saying that. And of course you don’t have to. Just, you know, it’s been a much longer time for me to have last fallen in love than for any of you,” she said with what he imagined to be a wry smile. “Seriously though. Don’t you think it would be a good idea to talk to Sebastian? Or did he say this definitely isn’t anything more for him?”

Chris felt a frustrated sigh escape him. No, Sebastian had not said that, in fact he hadn’t really said anything, but Chris just knew - from the look on Sebastian’s face, from the _absence_ of any words that there wasn’t anything to ask or talk about. Just how was he going to explain that to his sometimes a bit too optimistic mother?

“Ma, he left,” he said with mild exasperation. “Without so much as word. Wouldn’t even look at me. I’m pretty sure I read that correctly. He probably thought it was just going to be us occasionally hooking up, no strings attached, until something else came up for either of us.”

There was a soft sound from her he actually didn’t immediately know how to interpret, but it didn’t sound pleased. “Well that was a shitty thing to do.”

Although there was a tiny, rational voice in him saying that she was right, Chris’ first impulse was to defend Sebastian, and he spent a few, long seconds after an exasperated sigh trying to make up his mind on whether that was right or not. “He was shocked, I guess. I mean… I frankly don’t know how _I’d_ have reacted in his position. Probably the same.”

“Well, that doesn’t make it alright,” his mom insisted, but her tone wasn’t too sharp, maybe remembering all those times Chris had actually spoken really well of Sebastian to her. But she was still his mom first and foremost, and her loyalty would always be with her children above anything else. Eventually, however, she continued with a soft sigh, “Alright, despite that… Your friendship is important to you, right? This doesn’t have to mean the end of it, but for that you _will_ have to talk sooner or later.”

Of course, imagining that their friendship would suffer serious damage from this was the worst part - it was probably that which had made him get an instant panic attack the other night, the thought of having lost Sebastian completely. But there was also a part of him that wished things could have simply gone on like before, with Chris keeping his feelings to himself and at least having that. If he said those thoughts out loud right now his mom would surely tell him how unhealthy that was.

“I guess… I guess you’re right. I just don’t know how or when. Maybe he needs some distance for a while, you know? I mean when a friend springs something like that on you…”

“Yes, maybe he does,” she said softly. “It’s okay if you want to wait a few days. Is that what you had in mind?”

“I don’t know,” he confessed, as with a lot else these days torn again - impatience and wanting to somehow figure this out, solve it; and simply run away back home to Boston, forget about everything and pretend nothing ever happened once they met again for whatever reason. But that, without sorting things out, might very well be not before filming the next Captain America movie. “What would you do?”

His mom being silent for a few moments was testimony to how much she really was contemplating the question.

“I’m not sure. If I’m honest though, I’d say I would probably do just that: give him a couple of days, and if you don’t hear anything, try to see if he might be willing to talk to you. And he’d better do! But frankly, from knowing him a little and how you always spoke of him I’d be surprised if not. But if that really _were_ the case then he may not have been as good a friend and person as you thought.”

“Hm.” Even though it was nothing new to him, hearing it from his mom like that made it sound like a really good idea so much more easily. “I guess…” he started, having sat down on the couch now - that, too, reminded him of what Sebastian and he had been doing there last night and made it once more painfully clear that it had been the last time. But maybe it simply had to have happened, and better now than yet another few months or God knew how much later. Best to get such things over and done with before one was in way, way too deep.

“Thanks,” he said then, not needing to add anything to the topic. “Really, thank you, Ma.”

“Oh shush,” she shook the thanks off as she always did, though it was with warmth and affection. “I wish there was more I could do. Try not to let it get you down too much, please?”

Chris nodded - as you often unintentionally do even when the person you’re talking to can’t see you. It was, of course, easier said than done. Having fallen in love with someone who wouldn’t return your feelings was never something to cope with easily, the heartache not to discard and get over within a day or two. As everyone, he’d been there before, and even though he knew it would get better eventually, that those feelings would fade, it was a little difficult to fully believe right now.

“Yeah,” he said after a long pause. “Okay. But tell me something fun now. What else did you do today?” he asked, hearing his mom let out a soft chuckle on the other end.

It really wouldn’t be that easy, but while Chris listened to his mom talk about the things she’d bought, the theatre, and a funny but slightly gross story about a dead mouse in the neighbour’s mail box, he thought focusing on the good instead of drowning in his own misery was something he definitely could do. At least for as long as she was with him on the phone. As for what came after that… Chris did not want to let the thought take up any room in his mind right now.

***

 

It was the second day that had passed now, and it still hadn’t really gotten any better. The memory of what had happened caught up with him again and again whenever he wasn’t distracted enough, whenever he had only a moment to himself to think, and the knot of tension in Sebastian’s insides still formed instantly whenever it happened.

It was evening already. Originally he had wanted to go out later, distract himself, but the thought of even getting himself ready for that made Sebastian want to stay on his couch just the way he was, in his comfortable sweatpants and t-shirt, and not do anything at all. He knew he was going to end up thinking about Chris way too often, but even that couldn’t make him want to leave. As much as he wanted to _not_ think about this whole mess they had gotten themselves into, the need to talk to someone about it was growing. Because he himself had _no fucking clue_ about what to do.

Sebastian had fiddled with his phone all evening, turning it over and over in his hand as he snapped through tv channels, trying to figure out who he could talk to before pushing the thought away again, only to return to it mere minutes later. He hadn’t told anyone about this thing that had been going on between him and his co-star, and even though it wasn’t like he didn’t have friends who would listen to him and that he would trust to talk to about this, none of them… well. None of them really knew Chris. And if you didn’t know Chris, you wouldn’t get it.

Every time his train of thought arrived at _that_ point, however, he found himself in a pretty pickle: those that didn't know Chris wouldn't get it, and those that did probably shouldn't know about it in the first place.

He was aware that his hair must be a mess with how often he had pulled on the short strands in frustration the past few hours alone. Sebastian was nervous and worried and a whole lot of other things he wasn’t quite sure how to identify, that knot still sitting heavily in his stomach. And it wasn’t until he slowly went through the contacts in his mobile that an idea dawned on him.

It was, admittedly, probably a stupid idea. But out of all the stupid ideas he’d been having about this, it was the first that didn’t immediately just give him a bad feeling.

So Sebastian manned up and made himself type up a text, because he hadn’t seen Mackie since their press tour for the Winter Soldier, and to call him without any warning would probably give anything but the air of casualty he was aiming for.

‘ _Hey man. How’s everything?’_

It took about five minutes in which Sebastian had ample opportunity to consider if his idea had not been the best after all, before his phone chimed, announcing a new text.

‘ _Hey urself. I’m good. Wbu?’_

Sebastian let out a long breath, contemplating what to even say. He couldn’t just burst out with the fact that that there was indeed something that had been bothering him (and that was the mild way of putting it) for the past two days. Eventually he typed out a new message, deleted it twice, tore at his hair again, and then finally settled on something that shouldn’t reveal too much without outright bullshitting.

‘ _Have been worse. Haven’t heard from you in a long time. Busy?’_

It took less than a minute for the reply to come in.

' _Was about to go clubbing but my bud cancelled. Getting burgers. What r u up to?'_

And, just maybe 30 seconds later a second message: ' _U in LA rn? B/c I am. Wanna hang out?'_

Did he? Sebastian stared at the messages for a couple of seconds, trying to debate the pros and cons of that proposition. He kind of did want to, but to have any kind of talk about this in person was going to make it a hell of a lot more uncomfortable.

Eventually he typed, slowly, and the reply was a non-committal one again.

‘ _I’m envious. Burgers sound great, but I have the worst case of sweatpants-tshirt right now.’_

‘ _Dude, I’ve seen u in worse,’_ came the answer moments later. Albeit obviously lazy, Mackie had always been a remarkably fast texter. Just about ten seconds later, Sebastian’s phone rang. When he picked up, Mackie immediately started, “I’m flattered that you’re worried about the way you look, man, but we’ve worked out together, remember?” It wasn’t hard to guess that he was probably grinning right now.

A quiet laugh came over Sebastian’s lips, and he could only slide down on his couch, rubbing his face with his free hand.

“Yeah, not going to ever forget,” he said, remembering a hotel gym in London, where Mackie had almost turned a casual workout into a contest, vowing he’d maintain his Falcon level of fitness - until he had caved one night later around the largest platter of Tandoori chicken with way too much naan bread and rice. “Hi Mackie.”

He could hear a small laugh on the other end. “Hi. Listen, I’m standing at the burger place, so if you want some you’ve gotta make up your mind right now. I could be at yours in about thirty minutes. If the whole sweatpants business _is_ bothering you so much, dude, I’m sure that’s enough to change into proper pants.”

“Not going to happen, don’t get your hopes up,” Sebastian huffed, because… yeah. If it had been Chris, he’d have already been on the way to his closet by now. But it wasn’t, and he had no ambitions whatsoever to change. “Just, a burger with a hell of a lot of bacon sounds like a really good thing right now.” And he didn’t have to talk about his mess at all. Maybe they could just have a nice evening, and he’d spare himself all awkwardness.

“Got it. Any drinks? Fries?”

“Fries yes, drinks I got here.”

“Right. Be there as fast as I can,” Mackie said before he hung up.

Not even twenty-five minutes later he was at Sebastian’s door, balancing two isolating takeout boxes instead of usual paper bags on one hand.

“Room service”, he said with a grin before he entered. Then he put one arm around Sebastian’s shoulder for a friendly hug, patting his back with an enthusiasm that was just so bordering on the forceful. “Hey bro, long time no see.”

“Happy you could make it,” Sebastian grinned back. It honestly was good to see Mackie again, and the way he lightened everything by his positive energy was just what he needed right now. He drew back from the hug to snatch the takeout boxes away from the other man. “And with food, you’re my favourite person in the world right now.”

“Aww man, I’d feel insulted now but… yeah, burgers are pretty awesome,” he said, following Sebastian into the living room. “Especially those. They’re from a small diner around the corner from my hotel. Just opened up recently. Best burgers ever. And they’re making these homemade curly fries, I don’t even know how - I got you regular ones but we can share half-half.”

“Yeah, now you made me curious about the curly fries,” Sebastian gave Mackie a half grin over his shoulder and put the boxes down on the coffee table. “What can I get you to drink? In return for the room service.”

“If I’m already indulging in loads of fat and carbs at 10 p.m., I could do with some sugar and caffeine, too. Got coke?”

“Yep. Only that or got any more wishes?”

Mackie let out a laugh before he sat down on the couch, arranging the paper napkins next to each of their food boxes and visibly having to resist the urge to open his already. “No, get me that and I’m good.”

It made Sebastian grin to himself as he retreated to the kitchen to get them both glasses and a bottle from the fridge. He absently tried to pat his hair down a bit to at least not look completely as if he had just fallen out of bed before returning to the living room.

“You can just start, you know,” he had to laugh as he saw that Mackie was still dutifully waiting for him.

“Yeah okay,” he smiled but so far only opened his box, taking one of the glasses from Sebastian and waiting for him to sit down as well. “Just help yourself to my curly fries as much as you like,” he said before he took his own burger - thick, deliciously smelling meat between two fresh and slightly crispy looking buns - in both hands to take a big bite. The sound that came out after that was nothing short of a delighted moan. “God!” he mumbled around his mouthful of burger, and Sebastian had to laugh.

It made him realise that he actually had missed the other man’s company. They’d had a whole lot of fun during the press tour when they had finally actually gotten to know each other, and he remembered that carefree feeling all too well now. Things had really been good back then.

“You’re making an orgasm face,” he commented and reached over to pull the curly fries closer and start eating those. And, yep, they were pretty good too.

Mackie chortled, quickly leaning closer over the table so he wouldn’t drop any of the burger onto his lap. He put it down and took a sip of his coke. “Damn right. Because this is foodgasm-worthy. Man, I’ve only been to that place the night I got here and much too often since that. I need to stop or they’ll have to strap a hot air balloon to Falcon to make him fly next time.”

The mental image alone made Sebastian snicker even as he was collecting his own burger in his hands for the first bite. “Don’t tell me we’ll have to start working out _already_. And I refuse to feel guilty, this is my first, let me enjoy it.”

“I dunno, maybe we should,” Mackie replied, quickly stuffing one of the curly fries into his mouth, too. “Sadly we’re not Chris ‘What the fuck is workout? I’ve had a gallon of ice cream for dinner and still look like a Greek God’ Evans.”

In that moment Sebastian was actually glad that he had his mouth full of burger, and thus had a pretty good excuse not to answer with more than a grunt. He chewed slowly, his heart having jumped at the unexpected mention, and not sure what to say to that at all. Not that Mackie was wrong, which kind of made it worse. But since he was aware that it would look a bit strange if he didn’t say anything at all, he tried to pull himself together once he swallowed.

“I actually think I do have a gallon of ice cream in the freezer. If we’re already doing this, we could just as well go all out.”

“You’ll have to roll me out of the door and to my car after that but sure thing,” his friend said with a grin. “A movie, too, maybe? Got anything interesting you’d like to watch?”

“Sure thing,” Sebastian shrugged with a wry smile. “Nothing I’d planned on watching, but if you can come up with anything, I’m sure Netflix has it?”

“Yeah,” Mackie replied, again around a mouthful of burger - and Sebastian had to admit that yes, it really was fucking delicious. “Still haven’t seen all of the stuff you were in. Wasn’t there a horror flick or two?”

“Oh, no, come on,” he groaned and shook his head. “We’re not watching anything I was in.”

“Okay, okay,” Mackie amended, but then looked over at Sebastian with a rather mischievous smirk on his lips. “Guess I’ll have to watch those alone then. I think I will.”

The urge to kick the other man was getting bigger. “You’re an awful friend. Have you used up all your capacity for being nice with bringing me food?” Sebastian huffed, but was still fighting a reluctantly amused grin.

Mackie looked up into the air as if contemplating that question for a moment and then turned back at Sebastian and nodded. “Um, yeah. That’s as far as my being nice goes,” he said before he turned his attention back on the remaining few bites of his burger, devouring it with relish.

Sebastian laughed, shook his head, and went back to his own burger. They finished those in companionable silence with only the music of the radio still playing in the background, and he found himself relaxing again. After the burger he simply sat back and ate the rest of the fries with his fingers, eventually starting to ask what Mackie had been up to the past couple of months they hadn’t seen each other and why he was in town, attempting to keep him talking for a while and just listen while they finished their late dinner.

It only worked for so long.

“So what about you then?” Mackie asked after a while, and the expression on his face - light-hearted hilarity most of the time before that - shifted somewhat. “Something up?”

Sebastian’s eyes flickered over to his friend for a moment, wondering if he had just been bad at hiding that yes, something kind of was up, or if the question was just purely conversational.

And he still wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it or not.

So he just shrugged and slid down further on his couch to be able to tilt his head back and put it on the backrest. “Don’t really have much to do these days since Bronze finished,” he kind of evaded the real issue - again.

“So that’s why you’re feeling a bit down?” Mackie asked and, probably to spare Sebastian the embarrassment to ask how he knew and think he’d been too obvious in his behaviour, added, “You said you’d been worse, earlier. Not that you’re doing great.”

Sebastian scowled over at him without any heat to it, because it wasn’t like being perceptible about the state of mind your friends were in was in any way bad. Just what he had dreaded would happen.

“You had to pick up on that, huh?”

“Well, you didn’t text me _just_ to catch up, did you?” Mackie said and, before Sebastian could have replied, lifted a hand in a slightly waving gesture. “It’s okay. It’s kinda flattering, actually. So… what’s up then?”

Sebastian sighed and slid even deeper into his couch. “I _could_ have texted just to catch up,” he tried to defend himself, but it was already obvious that he hadn’t, and the only question now was how much he actually wanted to talk about. For a moment he considered what would happen if he just told Mackie _everything_ but discarded that thought almost immediately. Epically bad idea.

So he was just going to have to not mention Chris. At all.

He took a deep, slow breath to stall for a moment longer, fingers playing nervously with the string of his sweatpants. “Okay, so… there’s someone I’ve been… seeing,” he tried the words out experimentally, grimacing slightly on the last one.

“Oh. Okay,” Mackie said, leaning back against the couch and turning towards Sebastian a little, his gaze on him, attentive and patient. Sebastian eyed him back a little nervously.

“Yeah… umm. Look, this is going to sound crazy,” he groaned and reached up with both hands to rub his face.

Mackie gave him a vague shrug, shaking his head and lifting one hand. “Oh I think I’ve heard it all. Or most. Not a lot that could shock me, you know.” His encouraging smile turned into that slightly mischievous smirk. “Unless you’re telling me you’re dating one of those true-to-life dolls or something. That would be a bit crazy.”

“Oh my God,” Sebastian just blinked and then let out a disbelieving snort. “I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer.”

Mackie just chuckled in return and reached over to briefly pat Sebastian’s upper arm. “See, can’t be that crazy then. Go on.”

Sebastian sighed, reached up and rubbed a hand over his face and then his hair. “Yeah, well… it was supposed to be something casual. And I guess now it’s not. Anymore. Because they… told me they love me.”

“Oh,” Mackie said, his brows going up a bit. “And you? You wanted to keep it casual?”

He actually had no clue what to say to that. His fingers twined around some strands of his hair, and he tugged on them, stalling again. “I’m… I, uh… ugh. There’s just so damn much that could go wrong that I’m not sure if that would be such a bright idea…”

“Okay, slow down,” Mackie said calmly. “I mean, yeah, thinking about consequences isn’t wrong or anything, but there’s _always_ something that could go wrong.”

“Yeah, but…” Okay, damn, how to explain this one without giving just about everything away? Sebastian sighed. “Trust me, okay? This could fuck a lot of things up majorly.”

“Okay,” Mackie nodded and made that somewhat apologising hand gesture again. He seemed to contemplate what to say next and leaned forward to take a sip from his drink. “So it could fuck things up. But considering it wouldn’t fuck things up, do you… feel the same about them?”

He was tugging on his hair again. “To be honest… I haven’t quite let myself think about that,” Sebastian eventually admitted with more of a mumble than anything else.

“Hm, all right.” Again, he was quiet for a while, looking up at Sebastian and back down to some spot by the foot of the couch, visibly pondering. “Can I ask what you think it would fuck up if you let it happen?”

Not really. Or he could just spill the beans right away. And there was literally _nothing_ that wouldn’t give that away, and Sebastian was still convinced this was an epically bad idea. So he actually didn’t say anything at all and instead grabbed a couch pillow from next to him to bury his face in it.

“Aww man,” Mackie said with a small chuckle but sympathy in his tone as well. “Okay, you don’t have to tell me that. But you know, you probably should ask yourself whether the risk might not be worth it. Because right now--” He stopped himself there, and when Sebastian looked at him from behind the pillow, he could see Mackie’s brow furrowed slightly in thought. “Did you break it off completely or did you mean to continue that casual thing anyway?”

“‘m not sure if that’s possible,” Sebastian muttered into the pillow, and that sent a pang of hurt through him.

God, he was an idiot. Chris was… such a ray of sunshine. And yes, he might have been completely taken aback and rattled that night, but he shouldn’t just have left. To think he had really hurt Chris with this was rather horrible, and right now he just felt awful.

“I might have not reacted as I should have and… I really don’t think they’ll just, you know… bounce back and say ‘Oh yeah fine, let’s forget it and jump back into bed’, you know?”

“Yeah no, they probably wouldn’t,” Mackie agreed. “I was just asking if you’d let them know that you didn’t want to go there. Because, you know, when someone tells you they love you you don’t necessarily have to say it back instantly. They could still be expecting you to say it another time. And you could have just led them on. Not that I think you’re the kind of person to do that sort of thing, but… well.”

Sebastian was eyeing his friend now, not exactly sure what to make of that. By now he had wrapped his arms around the pillow, still hiding half his face behind it, and yes, that might be a bit ridiculous, but he actually felt better that way.

“I didn’t think this would happen, to be honest,” he muttered slowly. “I didn’t want to hurt them either.”

“So they…” There was a tiny bit of odd emphasis on the word now, “knew it was just supposed to be something casual?”

Sebastian opened his mouth but thought about that for a second before he answered, just to be sure. The words still came only slowly. “From the one time we kind of talked about it, I would have said yes.”

“So this went on for a while or just recently?”

He shrugged slowly. “Depends on your definition of recently.”

Mackie let out a small huff of breath. “I dunno. Two, three months?”

Sebastian just buried his face in the pillow again. “Longer.”

“Okay.” Silence again, and for at least a minute or so, Mackie busied himself with shoving the empty food boxes around, stuffing the used napkins into them and refilling their glasses with coke.

“And… last time he told you he loves you? Sorry, _they_ told you.”

It was enough to send a jolt through his body, and Sebastian instinctively looked up at Mackie to stare at him, but it only took one second to see that the other man had said what he had said very deliberately. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“No, you’ve got to be kidding me, dude. Do you think I wouldn’t catch on if you avoided pronouns the whole time? If it had been a girl you’d have just said so,” he said, again that mixture of amusement and sympathy written on his features, no hint of anything else - no surprise or even disapproval. Just that open, kind but a tiny bit smug gaze that read ‘come on, do you think I’m an idiot?’.

Sebastian felt the almost overwhelming urge to throw his pillow at Mackie. But he remembered in the last moment that that would mean not having one anymore, and so he rather kept it after all and just huffed into it. People could be as accepting as they wanted these days, but situations like this one were still a little awkward, despite that. But Mackie was probably right, he had kind of brought this on himself.

“Great. Yes. Last time _he_ told me.”

“And what did you do?”

Yep, good decision to keep the pillow. He raised it to cover his eyes again.

“Freeze up like an idiot.”

“Woah, okay. Yeah that happens,” he said. “And then? You didn’t talk about it?”

This time Sebastian just shook his head.

“So what exactly? You froze and neither of you talked about it and… You just packed your shit and left?”

If Mackie thought that was somehow supposed to make Sebastia come out from under his pillow, he was dead wrong. He just felt like a bigger idiot now.

“Wow… I really fucked that up.”

“Oh,” was Mackie’s only response to that, and it occurred to Sebastian then that his question - correct as the scenario had been - hadn’t been meant completely seriously. “Okay, where do you have that ice cream. I think you could use some of that now,” he said, and Sebastian could already feel his friend’s weight lifting from the couch and heard his steps disappear in direction of the kitchen. He opened several cupboard doors before returning to the living room.

“Couldn’t find any bowls. Straight from the tub then. That is if you’re ever going to come out from behind that cushion. You know, I can still see that you’re here.”

This time Sebastian did throw it in Mackie’s direction. It landed on his shoulder before bouncing to the ground, but the sight of the ice cream tub - Coffee Caramel Buzz - made him reach out slightly desperately.

Mackie demonstratively held the tub up higher and claimed the first spoonful for himself, and Sebastian inwardly debated with himself whether that ruined his ‘really damn good friend’ status he had just wanted to award him with. At least until they had the tub between them and Sebastian could dig into it with his own spoon.

“Mmmh that’s good,” Mackie said after another spoonful of ice cream. “Man, you’ll really have to roll me out of that door later.”

“And be responsible if you roll onto the street and get flattened by a car? No, I’ll just roll you into a corner here and leave you there until morning,” Sebastian huffed and scooped more ice cream onto his spoon.

Mackie let out a loud laugh. “Ice _cream_ bucket challenge accepted! You think we’ll finish the whole thing?” he asked, taking a large spoon from the still almost full container.

“Well _now_ we have to,” Sebastian couldn’t help snickering.

“Damn right. And if it’s the last thing I’ll ever do,” Mackie said a little dramatically, before he dipped his spoon deep into the tub. As if one tub of Ben and Jerry’s for two was any challenge at all.

Three scoops later, Mackie was licking licking his spoon absent-mindedly, and his gaze trailed off into the space in front of him for a few moments.  “So, since we’ve already established that you fucked up, got any idea how you’d like to fix it? Or… do something about it at all?”

Sebastian sighed. It seemed that really was the question of the day - or, rather, night. “You know, I didn’t think I’d ever say this to _you_ , but basically I don’t know anything.”

“Hm,” Mackie just hummed and took another spoonful of the ice cream. “You know, whatever the result, talking generally is a sort of great idea, though.”

Sebastian shot him a half glare. “No shit, Sherlock. What to say is the much bigger problem here.”

“You’ll know that when you get there,” he replied. “And, well, you’ve known each other for a while, and Chris is a pretty reasonable guy,” he added with a completely straight face.

This time it took Sebastian a couple of seconds to get it. His next spoonful was halfway to his mouth already when it sank in and he stilled, heart jumping into his throat. He shot Mackie a glance, and then threw his spoon back into the tub in defeat. “I’m never going to talk to you about anything ever again.”

Mackie laughed, a soft line of chuckles, shoulders shaking. “I’m sorry, man. But well, you don’t even have to, I’m reading your mind anyway. Or figuring it out. Like Sherlock Holmes. You know, they should cast me as him next. I wouldn’t mind it being in that show with Lucy Liu, either. Not sure I can fake the British accent, though,” he joked as he did so often, and Sebastian noticed it was also his attempt to lighten the mood - draw away from any of Sebastian’s discomfort by poking a bit of fun at himself. And he really, really appreciated it. But that didn’t mean it worked enough.

There was a dreadful feeling sitting in his gut, knotting up even tighter now, because this… yeah. This was exactly what he had wanted to prevent. Not because he didn’t know that Mackie would be cool about it, and try to be helpful and everything. But how was this supposed to go the next time all three of them were together? How was Mackie not mad at him for doing this to Chris-sweetheart-Evans?

This was awful.

He let his head sink and cradled it in his hands, needing to hide behind it for just a moment.

“Hey,” Mackie said, hand gently shaking his shoulder once. “Hey, come on, look at me. It’s okay. We all mess up sometimes, it just happens. But you know, there’s hardly anything that can’t be fixed. If you don’t want to think about how, right now, then fine, take a few more days. And if you do, then fine, too. I’m here all night if that’s what it takes. And don’t worry, I won’t tell him anything you say or even that I know. So no more hiding behind cushions or your hands or anything, okay? You really don’t have to do that, dude.”

It did help. Sebastian still needed a couple of seconds for his composure, but eventually he breathed deeply and straightened, let himself fall back into the couch again. “Do I suck that much at not being obvious, or are you just so damn perceptible?”

Another small laugh left his lips, and he shrugged. “A bit of both? No, really, what gave it away was that it had to be another dude, and… you know, back when we were filming and during the press tour there were a couple of things. I’m not saying you guys were obvious or anything, just that… in hindsight it all makes a lot of sense. But most of all that you’re scared of ruining - I guess - your friendship and the working relationship you’ll still have for at least one more movie. Am I right?”

“Dead center,” Sebastian admitted and finally dared to glance over at Mackie again. “Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be worried about that. Just, thinking for a moment, if we tried and it really went south, that would be fucking awful for… everything.”

He shrugged again. “Not my place to say, really. But I’m thinking unless things went south right before the start of filming, or during, there’s always time to let it blow over and continue doing one’s job like a grown-up. You know there are people who even hate each other’s guts and still make awesome movies together, right?”

Sebastian was pretty sure that he would never, ever be able to hate Chris. No matter what happened. He just wouldn’t have it in him.

“So, what? Are you trying to get us to start dating?” he asked a bit suspiciously.

“I’m not trying anything,” Mackie replied, both hands raised, palms out. “That’s completely up to you. All I’m saying is you should really figure out what it is you want, as sappy as that sounds. Because right now you seem pretty miserable, so that might already not be the ideal outcome here. Just saying.”

Sebastian huffed softly, this time without amusement, and took up the ice cream tub again to stare into it as he scraped around with his spoon. “You should have seen him.”

He got no verbal reply, just a small, sympathetic smile and a gaze that definitely spoke of concern, probably for both of them.

It was the first time that it occurred to Sebastian that it might not be the worst thing, to have someone on boat when this thing came to a head, no matter which way it would go. He let the tub sink onto his stomach and turned his head to look at Mackie.

“Hey… thanks. Really, I mean it.”

“Yeah, no problem,” he said and took some more ice cream. “I get it, we’ve all been there at some point.” Eyes going up and brow slightly furrowed he inclined his head. “Well, maybe not exactly there. I’ve never fallen in love with my my _male_ co-star or been friends with benefits with one. But yeah, the situation’s familiar.”

The hint of a smile flickered over Sebastian’s lips, and he handed the tub over to his friend to leave the rest of the ice cream to him.

He still didn’t really know how to fix this. Probably wouldn’t until he was standing right before Chris again, and then he was probably just going to do what his gut told him. If that would be to panic or to give it a chance, he wasn’t quite sure yet. But one way or another, they needed to talk, because Mackie had been right about that. He wasn’t going to get around it, and he shouldn’t. He didn’t want to either, because he might be anxious about this, but he knew he owed it to Chris. Owed him a talk, and especially an apology.

The only thing he had to do was work up a bit of courage.


	3. Chapter 3

It was another three days later until Sebastian found himself in front of Chris’ door, finally. Evening had fallen already, that twilight after the sun had gone down but before it was really dark, and he was really fucking nervous.

As he had predicted, he still had no real idea what to do, what to tell him. So the next couple of minutes were going to be a surprise even to himself, and Sebastian cursed himself to hell and back for it. No amount of thinking had been able to prevent this, though.

So here he was.

He didn’t have to ring the doorbell, however, as just in the moment when he wanted to do so, the front door was opened wide. Chris stopped mid-movement when his eyes fell on Sebastian, and he jumped, letting out a startled, nearly comical cry.

“Jesus Christ!” he gasped, hand on his chest as he took a few deep breaths, and Sebastian had to calm his own hammering heart after having flinched just as much himself.

Under other circumstances, Chris would have laughed by now, but instead his blue eyes rested on Sebastian’s face in confusion, uncomprehending and with a hint of sadness that he couldn’t quite conceal. Other than that, he looked great; hair combed and with a bit of product in it, beard trimmed somewhat since the last time; dark denim pants and a black sweater, jacket over one arm.

“What are you doing here?” he finally got out, first shocked surprise gone, and Sebastian's heart was wrenching painfully, every bit of his bad conscience coming back with a vengeance.

"I... I w-" he stuttered before he was able to get a grip on himself, his eyes glued to Chris. "I wanted to... Can I talk to you?" he eventually managed, heart still hammering.

Chris’ face contorted in a slight grimace, brow furrowed, and he looked somewhat undecided, looking past Sebastian towards the road and back inside his house as if he was trying to make up his mind about something. “Um…” he finally said, stepping back and giving Sebastian room to enter. “Yeah. Okay. I just… I need to make a call first. Give me a second.” And with that, leaving Sebastian standing in the hallway, he took his phone out of his jeans pocket and jogged towards the kitchen, disappearing in it.

Sebastian could just faintly hear his explanation to whomever he was calling that he was sorry and ‘something came up’, and he’d either make it there later or give them a call tomorrow, and Sebastian instantly felt worse for just appearing and thwarting whatever plans Chris had obviously had.

When he returned to the living room, he did not quite seem to know what to do, standing by the door a little awkwardly, hands in his pockets. “Okay. So…”

"I can come back some other time," Sebastian offered quietly, his gaze trailing over the collar of Chris' sweater, the line of his neck, his mouth dry. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you had plans."

Chris made a waving motion with his hand. “It’s okay,” he said, giving Sebastian a curt smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Just dinner with some friends. But… um, I wasn’t that hungry anyway.”

Sebastian swallowed slowly and nodded, dragging his gaze up to Chris' face again. He remembered the moment he had left him in that bedroom, remembered the look on his face, the line of his shoulders, and wanted to punch himself. It was so much more vivid again now that he was actually here.

"I'm... so very, very, honestly sorry," he finally breathed out, forcing himself to not look away. "For the way I just left. That was awful, and you never deserved it."

Coming a few steps closer but then faltering, gaze directed to the ground, Chris shrugged faintly. “I guess I should also say sorry for springing this on you like that. So… don’t beat yourself up over it. I get it, and it’s okay.”

The way his shoulders slumped even more and his voice grew fainter clearly told Sebastian that it wasn’t that okay at all, and it made his whole chest tighten painfully. It brought a sound over his lips that was miserable even in his own ears, and he wanted to get closer but aborted the motion after half a step.

"You're an idiot," it came over Sebastian's lips, more on its own accord than deliberate. Somewhat exasperated but affectionate. "The sweetest idiot I've ever met in my entire life."

Chris looked at Sebastian, tiniest of quirks around one corner of his mouth - touched. But his brow remained furrowed with contemplation and confusion, before his gaze drifted away again to a spot somewhere by his feet. "I guess I am an idiot. Look," he said then, a bit of strength returning to his voice but also ringing with a trace of regret and despair, making his next words nearly stumble over his lips hastily. “I really didn’t mean for this to happen. I know that wasn’t what you were aiming for with this whole thing, so I’m just going to have to accept it. Which I will! Because I still want us to be friends. So it’s okay really, I’ll be o-"

"No, no no no. _No_ ," Sebastian interrupted him, shaking his head, and before he knew what he was doing, he had stepped closer. His hand was already half way up, but he caught himself at the last moment. "That's not... You know what my problem with this is?" he said instead, because he needed Chris to know, and turning it over and over in his head obviously hadn't helped.

He started pacing.

"What if it doesn't work? I know we're adults and all, but what if it doesn't and it fucks with everything? How are we supposed to - Okay, maybe that makes me a shitty actor, but I don't know if I could do that? How to do that," he breathed out, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "I thought, you know, this was... _safe_ , and maybe... Fuck. I don't know what I thought."

That they could try for more after this whole thing was over? That could still take years, Sebastian realised right then, because who knew how Feige was planning this to go. The thought left him feeling cold and stupid, and he wondered how he had seriously been able to just not actually think about any of this before.

If Chris had looked confused before, he looked utterly wrecked with bewilderment right now, and he moved quickly, a few steps to the couch where he all but slumped down, not looking at Sebastian directly. “You mean…” He took two, three breaths that were a little too quick and a little too deep to sound completely normal. “You’re saying you actually… you _have_ feelings for me too and that you’re just--” Another deep breath, calmer this time, but it didn’t make the distraught look in his eyes go away. “I don’t know what to say or think right now. I thought you just weren’t interested in anything beyond some messing around.”

Well, fuck. Sebastian hadn’t thought he could feel much worse about this, but there he was. He hadn’t been sure last time, and neither was he now. But he had become rather conscious of the signs ever since he had learned of Chris’ anxiety issues. His feet carried him over before he could let the thought that Chris might not want him that close right now stop him, and he folded his legs and knelt down right by his feet to be able to look up into his face, his fingertips touching his knee only lightly, silently willing Chris to breathe calmly.

He tried to smile at him, but was sure it looked rather shaky.

“Of course I have feelings for you. How could I not? You’re… the nicest, kindest, sexiest person I’ve ever met.”

Chris finally looked into Sebastian's eyes now, and the - albeit tiny - smile on his lips turned a little bit more sincere.

"Don't worry, I'm not having an anxiety attack. I'm... kinda past that already,” he said, hand hesitantly reaching for Sebastian’s, palm on top of his fingers. “God, I really am an idiot.”

Sebastian could only shake his head though, mixed emotions swirling in his chest and making it hard to concentrate. The relief, the sudden burst of happiness at Chris’ hand on his fingers, and the worry and self-reproach at having confirmed what he hadn’t been sure of before. “No, I’m… I’m a real jerk. I’m so, so sorry, I panicked, but I didn’t _ever_ want to hurt you.”

Chris nodded slowly. “Apology accepted,” he said, the soft smile lingering on his lips, though there was still concern and insecurity written in his gaze. There was a long pause before he continued, and Sebastian could guess that he must have prepared those words in his mind at least to some extent.

“You know, don’t think I haven’t thought about this. About how it could ruin a lot and make things a hell of a lot more difficult for us. And not to mention all the other stuff we’d have to figure out, because there’s at least a ton of it that freaks me the fuck out, too. But I’ve spent years trying to learn not to let fear dictate my life, so... “ He paused again and then took Sebastian’s hand in both of his, one thumb caressing the back of it. “If whatever bad could or could not happen in the future is our only problem then I’m really more than willing to take that risk. If you are, too.”

For a moment Sebastian faintly wondered whether there were other problems - aside from the most obvious ones - that he had not yet considered, because he hadn’t quite been able to look past the main one. But the way Chris had his hand cradled between his was making him light and warm, and his pulse go off the rails.

Maybe he should have known, once he was faced with that smile and those eyes, what the outcome of this would be. He had always been exceptionally bad at saying no about anything to Chris.

It didn’t mean that he wasn’t still damn nervous about this. But at least he was honest and self-observant enough now to realise that this was more than friendly affection and sexual attraction, had been for a while now. Sebastian licked his lips and took a deep breath.

And then he nodded.

This time, the smile on Chris’ lips was wide and radiant, eyes shining with relief and happiness with just the faintest trace of diminishing sorrow. He leaned forward then, nearly sliding off of the couch as he put both his hands on the sides of Sebastian’s face and, slowly, as if asking for permission in Sebastian’s eyes, brought their lips together for a gentle, sweet kiss.

“Jesus, I really thought this was it, you know?” he said faintly, and Sebastian wanted to answer him, but he didn’t know what to say. Wasn’t even sure if he was capable of that right now. The full expanse of this decision had just hit him, but instead of it settling on him like a weight, he found himself lightheaded with relief. So he could only shake his head, and then, because there was this intense need to be _much closer_ than he was right now, he took the shortest route that seemed available to him.

It wasn’t with much grace that he climbed up and ended kneeling half on the couch, half over Chris’ lap, but that didn’t really matter, because all he needed in that moment was to be able to sling both arms around Chris’ shoulders and press himself into a tight embrace.

Chris was broad and warm and his scent very familiar, and he seemed to need just the same as Sebastian. Wrapping his arms around him even more closely, he took deep breaths, the one or other coming out as faint sigh - content rather than anything. His hands started caressing Sebastian’s back and shoulders as they held each other and he let out a small, breathy laugh.

“I really didn’t plan this, you know?” he started after a while, slowly withdrawing from the tight hug a bit to be able to look at Sebastian’s face. “I didn’t even realise it had happened until… well, a few days ago. I mean, I kinda knew for a long time, but that’s when it really hit me. Because I really do--”

“Sshh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Sebastian half interrupted him with a soft mutter, because his heart was already fluttering madly enough as it was. His hands came up instinctively to brush along the sides of Chris’ face, and a shaky, disbelieving smile flickered over his lips as he decided that this here was actually one of the best feelings he’d ever had.

“I was wrong, you’re not actually the idiot out of the two of us,” he said then, only half aware of what it was that made it out of his mouth. _Chris Evans_ had actually told him he loved him, and he had almost managed to fuck this up. The idiocy of it couldn’t get much bigger in his book. In fact he was still somewhat bewildered that Chris wasn’t more _angry_ with him, but maybe that was just him. An intense feeling of protectiveness spread in his chest then, no matter how ridiculous.

“Fuck,” Sebastian sighed and wrapped his arms back around Chris’ shoulders, one hand sliding up into his hair. “I’m sorry. I promise I won’t ever do that again.”

“Good,” Chris replied, another relieved huff of breath coming over his lips, muffled against the collar of Sebastian’s shirt where he had half buried his face. “Because I might want to tell you again some time, if that’s all right.”

The words made Sebastian laugh, soft and exhilarated, and he turned his face into the crook of Chris' neck and tightened his arms around him. "Yeah... that's okay. That's totally fine with me," he mumbled against his skin, wondering how he’d even got to this point.

Dumb luck, probably.

“Good,” Chris said again and brushed a kiss against Sebastian’s hair. He leaned back a bit, pulling Sebastian with him until they were both in a half sitting, half lying position on the couch, Chris’ arms still around Sebastian’s back, hands drawing lazy circles there.

“What changed your mind?” he asked after a while of them both simply enjoying the close and affectionate contact, and it sent a small, self-deprecating smile onto Sebastian’s lips.

“Dunno. Just seeing you, maybe.” There was a joke on the tip of his tongue about being powerless in the face of Chris’ baby blues, but somehow he wasn’t sure if that was a good idea right now. “And it’s not like it really needed _changing_ ,” he said instead, gaze resting on where his fingers were playing with the fabric of Chris’ sweater. “Just something to tell me that I was being paranoid, I guess.”

Chris just hummed out a noncommittal sound, quiet for a while and only continuing gently rubbing over Sebastian’s back, a small kiss to the top of his head now and then. “I’m really glad,” he said eventually and lifted Sebastian’s chin with his forefinger, bringing their lips together again, the kiss sweet and slow and soft, and Sebastian smiled into it.

They hadn’t really kissed like this before. With sex not actually being on their mind right now, they only kissed for the sake of exchanging affection, and not as foreplay.

It was good. It really felt damn fucking good.

“‘m glad too,” he muttered once they parted again, after what could have been long minutes for all he knew. Sebastian put his head back on Chris’ shoulder and looked up at him, fingers curled into his sweater. “I really, really, really like you.”

“Good,” Chris said once again, chuckling softly right after and looking mildly bashful. “What were your plans for the rest of the evening then?”

Sebastian smiled a little, and then he shrugged. "Didn't have any. But you should go meet your friends."

“Yeah, no,” he replied. “There’s no way I’m moving away from here as long as you want to stay.” Chris leaned back even further, completely outstretched on the couch  with Sebastian half on top of him. The embrace of his arms became even tighter, as if to emphasize he’d rather not let him go at all. There was a smirk on his lips, however, before he added, “Except for maybe going into the kitchen to get something to eat. Later.”

Sebastian huffed out a soft laugh and shifted to lie more comfortably, their legs tangling. He honestly didn't want to move away either.

"It's fine, really. I can just be here when you get back?" he still tried again, one more time, not wanting Chris to have to put his plans on hold just because he had barged in without asking first.

“No,” Chris said again, voice calm and firm. He brushed another soft kiss to Sebastian’s forehead. “There’s no place I’d rather be right now.”

The words filled him with warmth and calm, and he had to duck his head a little, because there was still this vague sense of needing to make up for what had happened; that Chris was a little too forgiving about this.

On the other hand he was simply so, so glad.

"Okay," Sebastian smiled and wrapped his arm around Chris' middle. "Staying here then."

“Mmmh, yeah.” It sounded almost a bit drowsy, the soft sigh that followed as Chris just kept Sebastian in his arms, cheek nuzzled against his hair. It was completely quiet for a while, save for the even thumping of Chris’ heart against Sebastian’s ear and the sound of his breathing. It was the most relaxing thing he could imagine.

Until there was a low rumbling in Chris’ stomach - despite his earlier declaration that he wasn’t hungry.

“Can you reach your phone? Would buy us around twenty minutes if we just ordered some pizza,” Chris said.

Even though his arms were still wrapped around him, Sebastian raised his head at that, had to look at Chris. A grin somewhere between amused, disbelieving and enamoured spread on his face. "That's really cute, you know that?"

“My stomach growling?” Chris asked, an incredulous expression on his face accompanying the smirk around his lips.

"No," Sebastian laughed and shook his head. "That... extra twenty minutes thing."

“Don’t flatter yourself too much. That’s just me being really lazy,” he said, but the way he looked into Sebastian’s eyes, one hand now lifted to Sebastian’s head, fingertips oh so gently running through his hair, kind of betrayed him. “And I don’t have a lot in the house anyway. I could actually just offer you beer and a sandwich.”

Sebastian really would have to get used to this again. To be looked at like that.

“Lazy then, okay,” he indulged Chris, biting his lower lip around a grin, and reached for the back pocket of his jeans to pull his phone out. He held it between two fingers and raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“Uh… I don’t know the number by heart. Just, find something in the area and order online or something,” Chris suggested. “We could share a jumbo pizza. Pepperoni maybe? Or whatever you like. Just maybe no garlic,” he added, smiling, and Sebastian broke into laughter.

“Pepperoni, no garlic. Mhmm,” he hummed and typed away on his screen while hoping he wasn’t too flushed from sheer giddy happiness.

Maybe he was though, and maybe it was the reason why Chris could not seem to stop himself from smiling again either, brushing another kiss to Sebastian’s temple, his cheek and, some time after the pizza had been ordered, his lips again. There was no rush in the touch, just blissful gentleness, and it was surprisingly easy to simply enjoy every second of it.

“Are you going to stay after we’ve eaten?” Chris asked, fingers of his right hand curled around Sebastian’s left.

He let his gaze trail over their hands for a moment, then up Chris’ arm, back to his eyes, and wondered if that had been an invitation to stay the night. They hadn’t ever done that - except for the very first, very drunken time that didn’t really count because they had just passed out in the same room, with little memory of most of it at all. Sebastian tried to imagine it for a moment. To go to bed together, wake up next to each other.

He let his thumb brush over Chris’ knuckles and smiled.

“Where else would I wanna be?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was - sadly - the last chapter of our fic (we could barely stop ourselves from simply letting it go on and on and on since we were enjoying ourselves so much). Something tells me it may not be the last story in this verse, though, but we have a really long Stucky fic to finish first.
> 
> Big thanks to everyone who's taken the time to leave us a comment and gave us kudos! We hope you've enjoyed this chapter as much as the previous ones. ♥

**Author's Note:**

> You can find us both on tumblr, Sandra under [leandraholmes](http://leandraholmes.tumblr.com/) and Verena under [saturnmeetsmercury](http://saturnmeetsmercury.tumblr.com/).


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